Sometimes you have to call a dog a dog, and despite all of its sweeping panoramas and dire, washed out photography which is stark and stunning at times, The Book of Eli is just that, a dog. A post-apocalyptic, three-legged dog.

** Spoilers Below **

This movie is based in the future, thirty years after a war that pretty much wipes humanity off the face of the planet. Some people survive. Most of them are not looking so well, and with most of the planet unable to sustain plant and animal life, many have resorted to cannibalism. So far, you’re saying, “Gee, this sounds like a pretty great movie.” For many of the scenes, I did think the movie was excellent. Parts of the plot, especially early on, were very convincing. But frankly, I was conflicted from the get go, when in the first scene Denzel Washington’s character, Eli, ambushes and eats a scrawny hairless cat. But, I suppose if the Chinese can do it, post-holocaust Americans can do it.

Eli was young when the war happened, and somehow he survived. The movie seems to indicate he was “chosen”, and as long as he listens to the voices in his head and takes this “sacred book” to where it needs to be, he will be protected. Westward, Ho! Along the way, he does face some punks who want to make him the main course, and an insane Gary Oldman, who wants the book because it has special words he can use to control the populace.

This is where the movie breaks down. The assumption is that all bibles were burned, soon after the war. That’s not very realistic, considering how many goddamned bibles there are. I mean, they’re in every freakin’ hotel room. So reality flew out the window as quickly as Denzel can chop some guy’s hand off.

The other failure of the movie is to make such a mystical and one-sided portrayal of the bible. To start, Gary Oldman (who is an “old man” compared to the pre-30 year old population) has formed a town, and he’s been pretty fair. Other than his obsession with “getting his hands on the book at all costs”, because he sees it as a weapon, his ambitions to build more towns and start civilization back up is admirable. Sure, he is a despot and self-serving, but when everything has (euphemistically) gone to hell, fear is what holds people together. Look at the Old West, and how lawmen who weren’t perfect were needed to maintain order from the low-down dirty scoundrels.

Eli is protected by this “mystical” power, but the disappointing thing is we never see the “mystical power of the bible” kick ass. This movie is made in either a pussyfoot way to not offend any Christians, or it just fails utterly to redeem itself once it starts to go downhill in the second half. What should have happened was that Oldman’s character would have been more mean-spirited and less crazy. He should have almost killed Eli, and then either killed the girl or killed her mother. Then Eli would have gone back into the town and pulled a Clint Eastwood and wiped up the badguys with his super-awesome knife and gunplay. That didn’t happen. Eli just kept trudging along to the West, and was sullen and mopey. He wasn’t dynamic and rarely smiled or said something very clever.

Eli and the girl make it to San Francisco, and row a boat to Alcatraz Island, where learned people are actually gathering up pre-war bits of history, art and many many books. They are very proud to have a printing press that is almost working. Eli then breaks down and begins to recite the bible from verse number one, from memory. We then learn the big SECRET PLOT TWIST, which is, Eli was blind the whole time, and the bible that Oldman got was really in braille. What a letdown. The last 20 minutes of the movie will be great if you think that civilization was barely saved from its doom, because all the bibles were burned, and without that one book we would just be greedy, murderous, self-interested thieves like Oldman. But, the world had the “good book” and it was hinted that religion (perhaps used incorrectly?) may have caused the war. There is no convincing case that this book has any special properties, yet all these people seem to be drawn to it. If one is not already ga-ga over the bible and Christianity, then a world that starts fresh without all the mystical baggage that ended up at least contributing to humanity’s downfall, seems like a good thing!

This movie should have gone for an ending where Eli dies, or triumphs, but not a milquetoast lame ending that is as washed out as the pretty cinematography. I would have been fine if the “good book” had truly mystical powers that protected Eli in a dramatic way. In the end, the plot twist did nothing but make the sparse audience in the theater sigh a collective, “Thank God this movie is over.”

IMHO, watch this movie for the few scenes that are dramatic, tense or feature the amazing cinematography. And when they get to San Francisco, switch the channel or go fix a sandwich, and skip the preachy ending.

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