I think this subject could apply to my mood, my bank account, my weight or my recently discovered to be malfunctioning blood sugar levels. In some regards, these numbers are good, but overall, things are too chaotic for my liking. I think the next few weeks will take some focus to get them heading in the right direction, and to keep them where they should be.

Last night, my blood glucose was 550, after spending the evening with friends at a trivia night benefit for another friend’s mother, who has cancer. It was a worthwhile and fun event, but snacks consisted of M&Ms and chips, and damned if I didn’t eat them when they were placed in front of me. My blood glucose (fasting) dropped to 319 (which I consider good), overnight, yet a simple bowl of organic, flax cereal, with several strawberries again pushed my numbers up, this time to 450. I really must have no ability to process sugars, and I guess it’s something I need to take seriously.

I’m a little disappointed that things are fluctuating so much, even after a long walk with Kobe, and playing with him in the yard. I thought that was enough exercise to balance out breakfast, but maybe not. So, I’m putting leaving my pre-packaged, diet lunch, in the microwave, and about to work on cleaning the garage for half an hour. More exercise, and a chore I have been putting off.

On another front, my weight loss (due to my body’s inability to properly process sugar) has been the only good side effect of diabetes, so far. (I was hoping women would go out on pity dates with me, but so far that hasn’t happened.) I started losing weight in May, and my fat-lazy weight, was in the ballpark of 250 lbs. (clothed) – not something I’m proud of. In 2002, I went to the gym and lost 50 lbs in just over a month. That’s more than two of those large bags of dog food. Just look at your body and think about where you could hide bags of dog food. It doesn’t seem possible that a couple of pants sizes could account for that, but there you have it. In May, I dropped about 15 lbs, and my pants were drooping. By mid-June, I knew something was up, and some pants wouldn’t stay up without a belt. I was down 20 lbs, and then at the end of June, I was down 25 lbs, and found myself wearing pants I haven’t worn in 7 years. It’s mid-July, and I’m down 30 lbs, which actually measures 215 lbs straight out of the shower. I’m hoping that this is something I can maintain, and that I can build up to a good, frequent gym routine, to add some muscle back, and stay fit. Even though this weight loss is due to me being broken inside, I need to look at the glass as half-full. This does help me feel better, have more self-esteem and a better attitude.

I wasn’t aware that mood swings and depression were also tied to high blood sugar levels. It might explain some of what I’ve been feeling the past few months. On the other hand, I won’t go into the money situation, but suffice it to say I’m really, really looking forward to the day my son can pay all his own bills.

• I had an energetic afternoon, mowing and cleaning the house after work. Now, do I have the energy to upload all those photos from Mich trip? #
• Ooh! I'm excited. It looks like another storm front is working its way to the Quad Cities tonight. Guess I should put the lawn mower away. #
• I am looking forward to #BlackHat in two weeks… but, there's lots of water to pass under the bridge between now and then! #

We all have habits or addictions that we’d like to break. There are certain patterns in the way we act that we can observe rationally, and choose to alter – although this is often easier said, than done! I feel that one important part of this is to do more than engage in self-talk. Writing, journaling, or even writing up and posting a list of reasonable rules, can aid in overcoming behaviors that don’t serve to improve our lives (and in some cases, are terribly destructive).

Here are some suggestions, which may help you. You need to think about your situation and customize these, make them reasonable, and then write them down. These need to be handled in a consistent and specific way, rather than making them too broad. You will rationalize anything that is not specific. The rules should not be difficult, or you won’t follow them. We all suffer from not taking good advice, when we give it to ourselves, and this is rather silly, given that we know ourselves better than anyone else.

1. Reduce: Rather than trying to eliminate bad habits all at once, reduce how often or how long you engage in them. It may be too difficult to quit, Cold Turkey! Instead, if you must, allow it to happen once a day, instead of frequently, or specify a time limit. If you watch too much television, allow yourself to only watch 1 hour, instead of 4 hours. Or, perhaps you only allow TV between 8 and 10 o’clock. The less you engage in the bad behavior, the more likely you are to eliminate it altogether. Initially, you may see no way to eliminate the behavior, so you feel powerless. Making measurable changes, over time, can eventually turn an addiction into an optional or infrequent behavior, or eliminate it altogether.
2. Eliminate Artifacts: If there are outcomes of this behavior that encourage more bad behavior, or bad feelings, eliminate them. For example, if you binge on food; it may be helpful to make yourself use fewer dishes or clean all the dishes afterwards. Coming into the kitchen the next day and seeing a pile of dishes only serves to emphasize your problem, and make you feel worse about yourself.
3. Take a Time Out: If you feel an urge to engage in a bad behavior, get yourself used to always taking a 5 minute timeout. Lying down on your bed for 5 minutes of relaxation is a way to let logic overcome the rationalization that your action is acceptable. If nothing else, you may reduce the urge, or improve your mood.
4. Exchange: Swap an addictive urge for something you enjoy that is positive, or for something that you at least have control over. Remember, in each of these cases, you are not telling yourself you cannot engage in the bad behavior at all, you are just putting restrictions on it. In this case, you are choosing to do something else that gives you pleasure. Maybe you read a magazine, eat a sandwich or have a glass of juice. As long as you follow the rule, to do this first, you take power away from an addiction.
5. Make It Inconvenient: Let’s face it, when you have a bad habit or addiction that has been going on for a long time, you’ve gotten into a rut and you can’t see a way out. You have no control, or at least you don’t feel you have any. Find some small changes, to make it less convenient to perform the action. For example, if you want to eat less, and you find you usually eat while watching TV, make the commitment to just eat at the dining room table. You aren’t saying you must eat less, but, but changing where you eat, you make it less convenient to snack all night, while watching TV. In my case, I buy what I “should” eat, and you can see my cupboards are pretty bare. When I need a snack, I choose between fruit and veggies, and don’t have “high risk” foods to tempt me. I have to drive someplace to indulge myself.
6. Reward Success!! If you make progress, find some way to reward yourself, or at least acknowledge it. Don’t push too hard, and don’t feel disheartened if changes don’t happen overnight. Despite what you may have heard, you aren’t trying to replace bad behaviors with good ones. Don’t get suckered into believing that behaviors are really good or bad, even. Behaviors are just actions you take, and your goal is to gradually reduce the power that “habit” has over your lifestyle. You are strengthening your willpower, and making these actions less important or impactful to your life. This is important, because you want to get to where the habit is not preventing you from having a meaningful and enjoyable lifestyle.
7. Surround Yourself with Good People: As much as you might want, you can’t hide from the world, and you can’t solve every problem flying solo. Having people around who care about you and help when you need it, makes it much more likely you will succeed.

Clearly, if you have a habit that is destructive and out of your control, you should seek professional help. That said, I believe we have the ability to make positive changes to how we act and how we present ourselves. I don’t know if this is enough to break some of the habits I have, or if I will hold myself accountable and follow the rules that I set, but I’m making an effort, and that alone is a positive thing!

I am a proud uncle! My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy, named Finn, on July 7th. Here’s one of my favorite photos. Sorry I didn’t post something here sooner, but I will try to get all my photos up onto Flickr this week.

I’ve been feeling good today. I think my mood was good and I came home motivated and got right into doing something, rather than sitting and relaxing. Once I relax for long enough, my motivation goes out the window. Today I was determined to mow, and then Kobe crapped on the carpet and I decided to clean the house. I vacuumed and shampooed carpets, did dishes and picked up the mess that just happens after going too many weeks with a busy schedule and too little energy to keep up appearances. I didn’t mow the whole yard, but got most of it, and then jumped in the pool with the dogs.

In part, I think my mood improved after hearing that things were going well with Jarrett, in Iowa City. He’s working at Sears now, as a service writer, and he’s going to start paying the bulk of his monthly bills. Work stresses me to no end, but I think that’s my personality. I overcommit and feel pressured the whole day to complete more tasks than I can reasonably complete. But, I renewed my gym membership today, so I really hope that I feel as upbeat after work tomorrow, so I can finish mowing and maybe make some progress in cleaning out the garage. With Jarrett gone, I really should be able to park in there. I’m going to Vegas on the 26th for a few days for Black Hat, and hope to get at least 6 good days at the gym before then. My stamina is for shit, and I need to do something about that.

It seems somewhere along the way, either blame it on genetics or my predisposition to eat too many pizzas and sit on my ass in front of the computer or TV, but “the diabetes” seems to have cropped up sometime around March or April. I haven’t seen a doctor since December 2008, so it is very possible my blood glucose levels were high, and/or my platelet problems reared their bloody heads in 2009 – but, I really felt out of sorts in May and June. The frequent trips to the bathroom, were an indication of something being wrong. I had a constant dry mouth, and felt like I was going into shock twice in May/June when I mowed the lawn on very hot days, without drinking water. I feel crappy half the time anyway, from allergies, so the symptoms had to be severe enough to notice. My vision got worse and I was forced to find a pair of prescription glasses from 1990 to wear, just to keep things clear enough for meetings and driving. I often felt like there was a soul-sucking sensation in my chest, which mixed with a frequently depressed mood, concerned me. I now know that was the sensation of muscles unable to draw energy from the glucose in my blood, because I wasn’t producing enough insulin.

Just so you know, my blood sugar was 347 two weeks ago, after fasting for 12 hours. I guess that’s pretty high, but I told the doctor I was not going to start anything dramatic, or go on medication right away. Being a bit in denial, and embarrassed that my “disease du jour” was due to my being fat and lazy, I tried to just keep things “moderate” while on vacation in Michigan with family for 10 days. When my Dad got out his glucose meter and I tipped the scale at 557, I knew two things. First, I had no willpower whatsoever, around my mother’s cinnamon rolls, and second, that I’d better try to get my numbers into a more reasonable range. I picked up a free glucose meter from the pharmacy, yesterday, and measured 362. However, after light fare for dinner, and a good night’s sleep, I woke up feeling crappy and sore, but scored a 260, which I think is a much better fasting number than >300. (I think I felt crappy in part, because of allergies. The pharmacist said mold was affecting locals recently, and I believe the Sudafed I bought, was helpful.)

The side-effect of all this, has been significant weight loss. I know this is a “symptom”, but I consider it a side benefit. I’ve lost over 25 pounds in two months, and expect to be at 210 lbs when I go out to Las Vegas (gym should help). This is a pretty awesome thing, for me. It gives me more energy and seeing the results in the mirror are motivating. If my blood glucose levels don’t stay in the low 200s, with improved diet and exercise (which I’ve been meaning to do ANYWAY ), I’ll discuss other options with my doctor. For now, I’m taking a DIY approach and just trying to learn what works for me. I feel certain that things have not been severe enough to cause irreparable damage, and feel the end result will be a healthier lifestyle and an operating weight that will improve my self-image. I was telling someone at work today, that humans tend to wait to change until they hit a wall. I think it often takes something dramatic to motivate me to take action. My projects often get completed on the eve of their deadline, so I’m not worried about any of this, because I’m sure it will motivate me to make positive changes. I hope this “non-medical” viewpoint proves to be accurate, or I’ll be recanting from the emergency room, but I’m determined to learn more and take the advice of experts.

Now, if only the puppy will stop pooping on my carpet!

• Kobe is a great dog. Stopped to chew the wheelbarrow. http://tweetphoto.com/31232906 #
• @DeepWatersCoach Enjoying a week off in Michigan! Nice to hear from you! in reply to DeepWatersCoach #
• My sister is having her baby soon. Water broke, so definitely this morning. #

• I only Twittered once last week. That's sad. I enjoy Twitter and all the Twits I've met here! #
• I have no idea what any of the trending topics are about, today. With the exception of Mick Jager, who must have done something. #
• @BaylorDem97 Thanks for the update! in reply to BaylorDem97 #
• Long day and early day tomorrow. Relaxing with dinner and salivating dogs; watching more Stargate. #

• Another big storm blowing through. That last lightning strike was very close. #

• Will the 4th gen iPhone hit the mark? Rumor has 3rd pty apps run in bkg. Will security improve? http://ping.fm/R5zYW #
• Here I am enjoying my day at Tires Plus… http://tweetphoto.com/26896211 #